Word Count: 3918
A/N: Might be my last post for a while, who knows. I'll have to see how my schedule settles out to in college. :)
Wrong choice, try again.
My surroundings fade out and reset themselves. The tracks in front. The oncoming train. The five people tied to the track, like something out of a corny Western movie. The smug man standing next to me, watching the whole scene unfold without any expression of emotion. Oh yeah, and the never-ending miles and miles of empty desert around. What’s the point of this place again?
He shrugs.
The people. Hitting the people must slow it down. Ugh, this makes me thinks of physics back in high school. Not a good memory. Anyways, what am I going to do? Chuck stuff at the train and hope it’s enough to slow it down to a stop?
Some random hobo off the streets. Ehck. Any Purell around here?
Level Eight.
Pregnant woman.
Level Ni—
Wait, what? Pregnant woman? Oops…
Eh, a bit late to think about it now. Back to my job of saving those five retards from dying again.
Level Nine.
Two kids. Two kids. Guess one wouldn’t be enough. I send them both to heaven. Or hell. Depends on how you think of it. Hey, I’m still saving lives, right? Two for five? Sounds like a deal to me. Two hundred and fifty percent return value!
Level Ten.
Einstein. I think a bit about this one. Then, I do away with him like all the others. You would’ve thought that he’d be smart enough to think up some way to break out of my grip. Guess not. Who needs any of that fancy shmancy relativity stuff anyways?
My life as a serial murderer. Hey, I have to get myself out of here, right?
The rules are changing. You have reached the final level.
About time. I wonder what’s changed.
The five people have been changed.
I look over the edge at the poor victims. Dang, they did change. How’d Mr. Deity do that so fast? Hmm, and that new lady lying there on the tracks almost looks like someone I know. The light brown hair, the dark eyes. Oh, I know! She reminds me of my wife!
Oh wait a second. Clara! What are you doing here? I look at the other people. My son Jered. My daughter Jane. My brother-in-law What’s-his-name. And Aunt Polly.
Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll just reach for whomever they provide this time and…
Oh yeah, by the way, notice the whomever. I’m just smart like that.
“Hello, son.”
Dad? My own, old father, standing next to me. Isn’t he supposed to be in a nursing home somewhere? Far, far away from me?
Oh crap. This brings up a few issues. Moral issues. And I thought I left those pesky things behind back when I stopped going to church. Do I kill my dad to save five other family members?
Well, he’s old, and they’re young. Well, younger anyway. Mostly. With the exception of Aunt Polly, but she doesn’t count. Hold on a second, how come she isn’t in a nursing home either?
Back to the issue. Old Papa’s probably going to die soon anyway, considering he’s had a stroke and can’t even talk—hold on a minute. He definitely talked to me.
Ah well, just forget that. Nothing here makes much sense anyway. I guess everything’s pretty clear. I’ll just have to kill—err… accidentally trip my old pater here to save everyone else. He’d probably do it himself anyway. He was always the hero type. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.
And of course, there’s also the inheritance. Yup. Choice made for sure.
And there he goes… and the train’s slowing… and there, stopped. Just barely in time to keep from squishing poor Clara. She better be grateful. I got to cut down on my thinking time a bit. That was a bit too close for comfort.
At least it’s over now. Everything fades out, just as I expected, and I’m looking to find myself sitting back at my desk, none the wiser from this stupid excursion. I really needed to finish writing that report. I mean, those people down at Accounting were waiting for their destinies here, those poor bastards. The blame’s got to go somewhere, eh? And everyone knows I’m too precious a commodity to lose just because of some careless mistake. I mean, who wouldn’t have tried investing in that startup? It was like a dream come true! Well... almost. Not quite, but, hey! At least I tried, right?
The train barrels closer.
“Hey! What’s this? I thought you said that was the final level!”
I lied.
That’s not fair. What now?
I glance back over at the five prisoners. Poor Clara. Who did they provide this time?
Old Ma-mah. Great. Just what I needed. No regrets there.
“Now am I done?”
Not yet.
That stupid condescending voice is really starting to make me angry. Okay, I lied. I’m ready to rip out someone’s voice box… or just throw a certain someone in front of a certain train. No specifics. No names. Cough. Cough. Wink. Wink.
Some random person holding a sign that says: Don’t throw me in front of the train.
Sorry bud. What did you think you were doing? Using reverse psychology?
Nope. Guess not. I watch his body crumple as it is crushed. The train slows as expected. I swear this God-thing that’s keeping me here is getting a sense of humor.
And you know what? This is actually sort of fun, in a twisted this-is-so-much-better-than-typing-out-a-stupid-report-for-my-stupid-boss sort of way. Notice my use of than. Not then. Than. That’s me. Mr. Grammatically-Correct. Yeah, right.
Maybe this mass-murder, killing-spree is getting to me.
Next Level.
Mr. Senator? Take your stupid pork-barrel legislation with you while you’re at it!
The President? See ya later. I didn’t vote for you anyway.
What’s up with this? Am I just going to be stuck here forever?
“Hey you! Mr. Voice-in-the-sky! Are you having enough fun watching me?”
No answer. Besides, he probably isn’t just having fun. This is probably part of some weird government conspiracy to freak out the populace. Yeah, that sounds about right. It’s all their fault I killed all those people.
Oh wait, I killed the president.
Ooooo… that’s even worse. The president isn’t even in control of the government anymore! What’s this world coming to?
“Say. I’m tired of this. I’m just gonna stop if you don’t let me out soon.”
Fine. This will be the last one.
“Really?” Like I’m going to believe him. Her. It. Whatever.
Well, I might change my mind.
Great. What can I say to that?
This will most likely be the last one.
Fun. Fun. For everyone! Okay, not really. I think I’m going insane. I wonder how much money I can get out of suing the government for that. Hmm, maybe I should call up a personal injury lawyer.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd… there comes the train. Too easy. You’d have thought Mr. Deity would replace it with some sort of monster or something. I reach without even turning to snatch my next victim and…
Nothing.
I’m the only one here.
Should’ve seen this coming. Perverted pseudo-god. What do I do now? Throw myself into the path of the train?
Yeah. Right. To save my wife, son, daughter, some brother-in-law, and Aunt Polly. Is it worth it? Hmmm, should I leave my children without a father, or just solve the problem by having no more children. I’m liking the second choice. Saves them a lot of trouble.
That’s right, I’m a stinking, self-centered bastard. I’m definitely worth at least a trillion other people. What’s the choice, save a trillion, or save five? What are you going to do about it, huh?
I will stop time to allow you more time to think.
Oh great. Extend the time. Give me more chance to start having doubts. There goes my plan of delaying until it’s too late to save them even if I jumped. Tricky, huh. I’m a tricky guy. You’ve got to be tricky to shunt all the blame from that scandal down to those five poor guys in Accounting who are going to get fired and then sued until they drop dead because the company just about steamrolls over them with lawsuits.
Hmm. Is Clara really worth it? Sure, she’s pretty, and not bad in bed, but I think I can get along fine without her. I can always just find another woman. Less people to pay for, too. Sounds good to me. Oh yeah, there’s also that life insurance. Can’t forget the life insurance.
Jered. Well, that one’s easy. He’s just an arrogant, egotistical prick. Just like me. No wonder I hate him so much. I’m sure if I were in his place, he wouldn’t hesitate either.
Jane. She doesn’t bother me as much as Jered, but she’s still pretty annoying. You got to admit, spending all my hard-earned cash on stuff like hair spray, lip-stick, who-knows-what. And there’s also that annoying boyfriend. And that time she just about totaled my car. I still have her driver’s license in my briefcase. Anyways, strike three. You’re out.
Unknown brother-in-law. Only saw you once at a family reunion thing anyway. I think we talked about sausages. Think I care anything for you? Think again.
And finally, Aunt Polly. Weird hair. Ugly glasses. Big, fat, wet lips. Get away from me!
Okay Mr. God. Decision made. You can stop the time-freeze now. Let me go back to my office so I can enjoy my nice, hot coffee.
Come on, please? I’ll even share some with you.
Fine, fine. You can have all the coffee. Just take it all. Steal all of a poor, innocent man’s lifeblood.
Okay, this isn’t working. Fine. I’ll just stand here. I’m not playing your game anymore. It’s stupid anyway. S-T-O-O-P-I-D. That’s right. Stupid.
I whistle for about thirty seconds.
Fine. You must have infinite patience or something. I give up. Just let me go. You win. I lose.
Oh! I have an idea. Let’s flip a coin. Heads, you win, tails, I lose. Deal? Oh, wait a second… I take that back! Heads, I win, tails, you lose. Much better. What do you say?
Oh come on.
Fine, fine. You win. I’ll just walk up to the edge and jump. Happy?
I’m standing at the edge. You have to be dreaming if you think I’ll jump willingly.
Oh wait, what am I thinking? Why commit suicide when you can just run? Gosh was I really losing it there.
Wait a second... why isn’t the platform getting any further away?
Don’t try to run away.
Looks like there’s no choice. I look over at Clara. You better be grateful for this. Enjoy the insurance money while it lasts. I know you have a thing for finding scams on the internet.
I look up into the sky. Dang, that sun is bright. This better not hurt, Mr. God-person.
I close my eyes. Jump.
The train leaps forward.
Whew, my office. What was that all about? Hmm, weird daydream. Nothing really happened. What a waste of time… oh wait, no time has passed. Figures. I get tortured in some time loop and don’t miss out on any work. Life sucks… and… hey! Where’s my coffee!
I’ll get the person who stole it after I finish these forms. Just need to fill out the names and sign it. Sucks for those guys down in Accounting. I feel for you… not.
I sign…and… done! Wish I could see the look on their faces when they find out. Oh well, can’t have everything you wish for.
They’ll protest, that’s a given, but it’s hard to win when all the evidence points towards you. Too bad I guess.
Now, about that coffee…
(Wistfully) Wrong choice, try again.
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